The Spider Incident

Dear Citizens of the World [this implies that 1) people other than my best friend are reading this and 2) people other than Americans are reading this. OK - my Columbia coworker reads this, too. There. Validation.],

I had a horrifying experience this morning, a close encounter in the shower. There was a big spider in my shower. I know - sick.

I didn't notice the spider when I got into the shower. [It was really cold this morning so I stood under the hot running water for a few minutes before doing anything.] No, once my hair was completely lathered in shampoo I saw the spider trotting along the top of the shower [which is about eye-level for me] toward the window [aka. closer to me]. I only had one eye open because shampoo was running down my face.

Here's something you need to know about me before I continue: I don't kill anything [knowingly] besides flies [and even that makes me feel bad]. In my last apartment I had a "spider cup." It was a plastic cup devoted to catching spiders for release into the plants on my porch. I will do all I can to get a bug to go outside without killing it. Why? 1) I feel bad. What did that bug ever to do me? 2) It's gross. The thought of crushing/mutilating a bug bothers me more than leaving that spider in the window across the room for a few days.

So you can see my dilemma in the shower. I needed to finish my shower to get to my train for work but I couldn't just grab some toilet paper and smash that thing. Also preventing the smashing: it was a bigger spider than normal. It's butt was larger than most I deal with. Of course I've seen bigger spiders. I lived in Texas for several years where the bugs are ginormous (there must be some chemical-related mutation or something going on) and I've seen huge wolf spiders in the restrooms in some National Parks in the southwest. I've even held a tarantula. This particular spider was just abnormally large for a shower visit.

So as the spider came trotting my way, I tried to splash it with water to make it change its mind, to make it turn around. Instead it charged at me! It ran TOWARD the source of the splashing water. At this point, with my hair still completely lathered, I knew I couldn't stay in the shower with that thing. So with one eye on the spider[mostly for fear it would jump on me, even though there is probably only one kind of spider that jumps] I grabbed the shower curtain and stepped as gingerly as I could outside of it. There I was, completely wet, naked, my hair all lathered up, standing outside of my shower and using the curtain as a shield against a spider [who, if I really think about it, stretched out, was barely bigger than a dime. Its butt was maybe the size of a pea]. At first the spider was in a position where where the water from the shower head couldn't reach it. Shoot. I really couldn't let a spider make me late for work. But the spider dropped, using its web, onto my roommate's loofah that was hanging off the window sill, closer to where the water could reach. I sprayed the loofah for awhile but that did absolutely nothing. So I slowly turned the loofah around, praying that my hand wouldn't get too close to the spider. I saw that the spider was actually on the wall so I picked up the loofah and set it aside. The spider was standing on the wall, sideways, of course, it what looked like a very defensive stance. I sprayed that sucker. Getting it to the drain was no problem. But our drain is a hair-catching type and it has small holes for water to get through. I thought, "Great. The spider's butt isn't going to fit down the drain." But to my surprise, it did. ThankyouJesus. I could finally get back in the shower and rinse off. But then I was paranoid. I kept looking back at the drain expecting the spider to come crawling back out. Any little piece of hair that was swirling over the drain was that spider. I looked at it for the rest of my shower. I finally finished and ran away. I was on time for my train, despite this ordeal, but I'd run out of time to blow my hair dry. That means I could either blame the spider for giving me a bad hair day or thank it for preventing me from scorching my lovely hair. Since I feel guilty for rinsing it down the drain I'll thank it for helping keep my hair healthy [my hair actually turned out pretty cute today].

Thank you Ed McMahon. [That's what I named the spider while writing this story.]