Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

I have some irrational fears. I know there are others with irrational fears, but I also know just how ridiculous my fears are.

One of my fears as a kid was childhood pregnancy. I would lay awake at night, just thinking in my bed, dreading the possibility that I could be pregnant.

(BTW: Snoopy and Woodstock are there to show that my comforter was a "Joe Cool" comforter with pictures of Snoopy and Woodstock. Not sure if that's clear or not. [Definitely not.])

No, I wasn’t one of those girls who got her period in 3^rd grade. That didn’t even happen until I was almost out of junior high. So I was not sexually mature. And the closest I’d ever been to a penis was when I crotch-kicked a ginger kid on the playground.

(Sorry if I offended any redheads out there by using the word “ginger.” One of my best friends is a redhead so I only use the word “ginger” for the creepy kid who grabbed me from behind and deserved to be penis-punted.)

Maybe I didn’t fully understand where babies came from. Maybe I had a general idea and I still thought that I could get pregnant from a toilet seat. I’m not sure. I just know I went through many worrisome nights thinking I could be pregnant.

Another recurring fear was gremlins. If I ever find out who exposed me to that movie...well, I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably just make them feel really guilty for giving a small girl terrible nightmares. I don’t even remember watching the movie. All I know is that I had nightmares for years andI imagined a huge, green, red-eyed gremlin waiting at the end of our freakishly long hallway.



The light switch for the hallway was all the way at the end, the dark end, that was scary. We had another light switch at the beginning of the hallway but the light didn’t reach far enough. So if I was leaving my room any time it was dark I would switch off the light (because you know my mom or dad would yell at me and tell me to go turn off the light anyway) and sprint as fast as I could down the hallway to the living room.

Did my parents ever wonder why I emerged from the hallway out of breath? Did they ever see me sprinting down the hall, getting my daily workout in?

When I was really young I imagined that someone resembling the Big Bad Wolf was loitering outside, under my window. It was the same window my bed was located under inside.

And yes, he was always wearing a fancy red zoot suit coat and fancy black pants. I know he looks friendly and fun in that pic…but he wasn’t. He was always crouching right outside my window. I just knew that if I peeked out of the shades he’d stand up and stare right back at me.

One of my lingering fears is the unfortunate fear of sharks. I know. Millions of people are scared of sharks. There aren’t very many people who would be excited to run into one in the wild. But I not only have a fear of sharks in the ocean (or even some rivers/creeks. Haven’t you ever watched Shark Week?!?! Those things go everywhere!!!! AND EAT PEOPLE!). No, my fear extends to pools and bathtubs. I told you: irrational. I can’t be in a pool alone at all. I don’t like taking baths (showers, please!).

When I was a kid we had a pool (technically it was my uncle’s and it was next door…but it was for us). That meant we swam daily. If I was ever the last one to get out of the pool I would swim to the side at warp speed and fling myself out. Usually I just rolled over the side and lay on the cement panting with fear and exertion. Sometimes it wasn’t a shark chasing me – it could be a killer whale, too.

(Not gonna lie. These shark drawings freak me out. Good thing I'm not taking a bath or going swimming any time soon.)

This isn’t the end of my list of fears. I can’t watch scary movies because of the rest of my fears. I can’t even listen to the plots of scary movies. My friends told me all about Paranormal Activity…I couldn’t sleep for days. I’ve never seen the movie. Thanks to a friend’s suggestion I got to sleep by taking a shot of vodka. Calmed me right down. Possessive and abusive spirit, who? It’s just me and Mr. (or Ms.) Smirnoff.

The rest of my adult fears are just as irrational as my childhood fears...so we’ll save those for another day.